If Dr. Seuss ran the computer help desk, here's what he'd say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! The Good Old Days Before Computers REMEMBER WHEN... A Computer Was Something On TV From A Science Fiction Show A Window Was Something You Hated To Clean.... And RAM Was The Cousin Of A Goat... Meg Was The Name Of My Girlfriend And Gig Was Your Middle Finger Upright Now They All Mean Different Things And That Really Mega Bytes An Application Was For Employment A Program Was A TV Show A Cursor Used Profanity A Keyboard Was A Piano Memory Was Something That You Lost With Age A CD Was A Bank Account And If You Had A 3 1/2" Floppy You Hoped Nobody Found Out Compress Was Something You Did To The Garbage Not Something You Did To A File And If You Unzipped Anything In Public You'd Be In Jail For A While Log On Was Adding Wood To The Fire Hard Drive Was A Long Trip On The Road A Mouse Pad Was Where A Mouse Lived And A Backup Happened To Your Commode Cut You Did With A Pocket Knife Paste You Did With Glue A Web Was A Spider's Home And A Virus Was The Flu I Guess I'll Stick To My Pad And Paper And The Memory In My Head Nobody's Been Killed In A Computer Crash But When It Happens They Wish They Were Dead Funny Computer Quotes from History "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957 "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman/founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977 "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."' -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer Computer Programmers Joke of the Day 1. If we built our buildings the same way we build our software, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. 2. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. 3. If you lie to the compiler, it will have its revenge. 4. In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them. 5. If it is useless, it will have to be documented. If it is useful, it will have to be maintained. 6. There is not now and never will be a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 7. Didja know? The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 8. Computer programmers never die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. Computer Programmers Drinking Song Sing out loud to the tune of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall." 100 little bugs in the code, 100 bugs in the code, Fix one bug, compile it again, 101 little bugs in the code. 101 little bugs in the code..... Repeat until BUGS = 0 1. A fellow programmer had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief then remarked, "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him." Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was. "Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you ... I get nervous around really smart people. 2. A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. 3. A programmer is a disillusioned employee who used to think she liked computers. 4. A computer programmer is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant. 5. I went to www.winzip.com and they had a download link for a download of winzip.zip 6. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. 7. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. 8. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. 9. Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw. 10. A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar. Suddenly the car began jerking and shuttering. The mechanical engineer, said, "I think the car has a faulty carburetor." The electrical engineer said, "No, I think the problem lies with the alternator." The computer engineer brightened up and said, "I know, let's stop the car, all get out of the car and get back in again!" 11. Question: Why do they call it hyper text? Answer: Too much JAVA. 12. Question: Why was the computer so tired when it got home? Answer: Because it had a hard drive! 13. You know you've been working too much if you try to enter your password on the microwave. 14. You know you've been working too much if you email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, "What's for dinner dad?" 15. You know you've been working too much if you set up a web site for your daughter to sell Girl Scout Cookies. 16. You know you've been working too much if you chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. 17. The computer company my wife worked for distributed a corporate clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have." Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up your floppy disk? Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows? An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?” Q: What does a baby computer call his father? A: Data! Q: What is a computer virus? A: A terminal illness! Q: Why was the computer cold? A: It left it's Windows open! Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a life guard? A: A screensaver! Q: Where do all the cool mice live? A: In their mousepads Computer Acronyms 1. PCMCIA:- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms 2. ISDN: It Still Does Nothing 3. APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Loving Entity 4. SCSI: System Can't See It 5. DOS: Defective Operating System 6. BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control 7. IBM: I Blame Microsoft. It'll Be a Minute, Install Bigger Memory 8. DEC: Do Expect Cuts 9. CD-ROM: Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months 10. OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too. 11. WWW: World Wide Wait 12. MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs 13. PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics 14. AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction 15. LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses 16. MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed 17. WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System 18. MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers 19. RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code 20. JCI: Just Change It Top Oxymorons -Plastic glasses -Computer security -Political science -Definite maybe -Pretty ugly -Rap music -Working vacation -Microsoft Works