FIVE SURGEONS
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
HUMOROUS COMPUTER DEFINITIONS
Bit: 12 1/2 cents.
8-Bit machine: A computer selling for $1.
32-bit machine:A computer selling for $4.
Buffer: System Engineer who works in the nude.
Computer: A device designed to automate and speed up errors.
Computer Club: Device used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving an error message.
Compile: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter.
Coding: An Addictive drug.
Console: What one does to a down computer.
Crash: Normal termination.
Cursor: Expert in 4-letter words.
Dump: System Engineers work area.
Keyboard: An instrument used for entering errors into a system.
Feature: A hardware limitation as described by a sales rep.
Language: A system for organizing and defining error messages.
Loop: See Loop.
Machine-independent code: Program which will not run on any computer.
MicroComputer: 1 millionth of a computer.
Null String: The results of a 4 hour database search.
Performance: A statement of speed at which the computer was rumored to be working at about a month ago.
Software: Typically silky nighties, nylons, etc.
Hardware: Typically boots, leather and chains.
Hexadecimal: Unlucky numbers used by a computer.
User: Someone requiring Drug rehabilitation.
ONE-LINE SIGNATURES FROM INTERNET
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
THREE OS'S COMPARED
by Patrick Sabalvarro (pgs@ai.mit.edu)
VMS is like a Soviet railroad train. It's basically industrial-strength, but when you look at it closely, everthing's a little more shabby than you might like. It gets the job done, but there's no grace to it.
The MAC operating system is like the monorail at Disney World. It's kind of spectacular and fun, but it doesn't go much of anywhere. Still, the kids like it.
Unix is like the maritime transit system in an impoverished country. The ferryboats are dangerous as hell, offer no protection from the weather and leak like ssieves. Every monsoon season a couple of them acpsize and drown all the pasengers, but people still line [sic] up for them and crowd aboard.
UNIX COMMAND LINE
% make fire
make: Fatal error: Don't know how to make target \Qfire'
% why not?
No match.
% gotta light?
No match.
% "How's Clinton's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% If I had a ( for every dollar Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% !bluemoon
bluemoon: Event not found.
THREE MEN IN A CAR
There are many variations of this joke, here is one of them.
Three men are going to a computer show. They are riding in the same car. The salesman is driving with a programmer and a maintenace guy riding. The car has a flat and the salesman pulls over. They all get out to access the situation.
The salesman says, "Time to buy a new car."
The maintenance guy says, "No, let's swap the front tires with the back tires and see what happens."
The programmer says, "No, just restart the car and the problem will go away."
TOASTER
How to make Toast:
Electrical Engineering vs. Computer Science
Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"
One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype."
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."
"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."
"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."
"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."
"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."
"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."
The king had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.
YOU'RE AN ENGINEER IF...
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4. Chocolate
THE TWELVE NETWORKING TRUTHS
Network Working Group R. Callon, Editor
Request for Comments: 1925 IOOF
Category: Informational 1 April 1996
The Twelve Networking Truths
Status of this Memo
This memo provides information for the Internet community. This memo
does not specify an Internet standard of any kind. Distribution of
this memo is unlimited.
Abstract
This memo documents the fundamental truths of networking for the
Internet community. This memo does not specify a standard, except in
the sense that all standards must implicitly follow the fundamental
truths.
Acknowledgements
The truths described in this memo result from extensive study over an
extended period of time by many people, some of whom did not intend
to contribute to this work. The editor merely has collected these
truths, and would like to thank the networking community for
originally illuminating these truths.
1. Introduction
This Request for Comments (RFC) provides information about the
fundamental truths underlying all networking. These truths apply to
networking in general, and are not limited to TCP/IP, the Internet,
or any other subset of the networking community.
2. The Fundamental Truths
(1) It Has To Work.
(2) No matter how hard you push and no matter what the priority,
you can't increase the speed of light.
(2a) (corollary). No matter how hard you try, you can't make a
baby in much less than 9 months. Trying to speed this up
*might* make it slower, but it won't make it happen any
quicker.
(3) With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is
not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they
are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them
as they fly overhead.
(4) Some things in life can never be fully appreciated nor
understood unless experienced firsthand. Some things in
networking can never be fully understood by someone who neither
builds commercial networking equipment nor runs an operational
network.
(5) It is always possible to aglutenate multiple separate problems
into a single complex interdependent solution. In most cases
this is a bad idea.
(6) It is easier to move a problem around (for example, by moving
the problem to a different part of the overall network
architecture) than it is to solve it.
(6a) (corollary). It is always possible to add another level of
indirection.
(7) It is always something
(7a) (corollary). Good, Fast, Cheap: Pick any two (you can't
have all three).
(8) It is more complicated than you think.
(9) For all resources, whatever it is, you need more.
(9a) (corollary) Every networking problem always takes longer to
solve than it seems like it should.
(10) One size never fits all.
(11) Every old idea will be proposed again with a different name and
a different presentation, regardless of whether it works.
(11a) (corollary). See rule 6a.
(12) In protocol design, perfection has been reached not when there
is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take
away.
Security Considerations
This RFC raises no security issues. However, security protocols are
subject to the fundamental networking truths.
References
The references have been deleted in order to protect the guilty and
avoid enriching the lawyers.
Author's Address
Ross Callon
Internet Order of Old Farts
c/o Bay Networks
3 Federal Street
Billerica, MA 01821
Phone: 508-436-3936
EMail: rcallon@baynetworks.com
NEW CHEMICAL ELEMENT DISCOVERED
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.
NEW VIRUSES TO BE AWARE OF :)
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electonic microorganism."
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting.
THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are overpaying
for the AT&T virus.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. The virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
NIKE VIRUS: Just Does It!
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Nobody can find it.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and send you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my test...no new files!" on the screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
COMPAQ
So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts
from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic
bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them
into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with
Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on,
and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to
close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of
friends, "the customer replied. When told egghead was a software store, the
man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.
" The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and
sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. Recently a guy called his computer company's tech support to complain
that his cup holder had broken off the front of his computer. Of course,
the puzzled techie eventually surmised the guy was talking about his CD-ROM
drive drawer.
13. A nervous customer called in to a companys tech support asking the
technician to call the police and tell them it was an accident. The
computer had told the customer he had "performed an illegal operation".
PRISON
PRISON LIFE VS FULL-TIME JOB
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay
for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside
bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
PROGRAMMING "IN THE FOOT"
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers in such dilemmas.
Is it any wonder I always take off my shoes before doing any programming?
C You shoot yourself in the foot.
Assembly You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.
APL You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened.
C++ You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there."
Ada If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
Modula/2 After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
sh, csh, etc. You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.
Smalltalk You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.
FORTRAN You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.
Prolog You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.
Motif You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
370 JCL You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Algol You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.
COBOL USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.
BASIC Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
PL/I You consume all available system resources, including all the offline bullets, The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your foot.
SNOBOL You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
lisp You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
scheme You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
FORTH begin gun foot shot bullets not or blood until
English You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
Apple We'll let you shoot yourself, but it'll cost you a bundle.
IBM You insert a clip into the gun, wait half an hour, and it goes off in random directions. If a bullet hits your foot, you're lucky.
Microsoft Object "Foot" will be included in the next release. You can upgrade for $500.
Microsoft You can shoot yourself in the foot, but the method is buried in the docs somewhere.
Cray I knew you were going to shoot yourself in the foot.
Hewlett-Packard You can use this machine-gun to shoot yourself in the foot, but the firing pin is broken.
NeXT We don't sell guns anymore, just ammunition.
SCO Open Desktop SCOPaint You shoot yourself in the foot with a popgun.
Sun Just as soon as Solaris gets here, you can shoot yourself anywhere you want.
PUNS
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
SONGS
Unix Man (Nowhere Man)
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans
For nobody.
Knows the blocksize from du(1)
Cares not where /dev/null goes to
Isn't he a bit like you
And me?
UNIX Man, please listen(2)
My lpd(8) is missin'
UNIX Man
The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.
He's as wise as he can be
Uses lex and yacc and C
UNIX Man, can you help me At all?
UNIX Man, don't worry
Test with time(1), don't hurry
UNIX Man
The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.
He's a real UNIX Man
Sitting in his UNIX LAN
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody ...
Making all his UNIX plans For nobody.
YESTERDAY
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
Songs to program by...Eleanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard
And waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal
Finding some code
That will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Guru MacKenzie
Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;
Isn't it fun?
Look at him working,
Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;
It takes a while...
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Eleanor Rigby
Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;
Feels like a jerk.
Guru MacKenzie
Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;
Nothing will load.
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Write in C ("Let it Be")
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
"Write in C."
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC's not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.
Something
Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm's logic!
Something in the way it coredumps...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this problem somehow
Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer's got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'm too close to leave it now
You're asking me can this code go?
I don't know, I don't know...
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don't know, I don't know...
Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!
Something in the listing will show me...
I don't want to leave it now
I'll fix this tonight I vow!
WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .
Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
happened!"
Helpline: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
Helpline: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I
have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go
anywhere!"
Helpline: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know!?"
Helpline: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a
needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle
pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
Helpline: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor,
and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or
pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell
me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car
that comes with everything built in!"
Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars are worthless!"
Helpline: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
Helpline: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it
crashed -- and now it won't start!"
Helpline: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that
doesn't crash anymore!"
Helpline: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
Helpline: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
Helpline: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
Helpline: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places
in my car!"
GM AND GATES
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure Microsoft accomplishments against General Motors. His comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles/hour (16,000km/hr). Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to the gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less than $50.00.
In response to all this goading, GM responded: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes 4 times a day?" GM continued by stating that if Microsoft built cars:
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.
3. Occasionally, your car would stop and fail to restart, and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive-but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS
Backup- What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
Bug - The reason you gave for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pit bull done to cousin Jethro.
Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
Chip - Pasture muffins you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before the line breaks.
Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
ROM - Where the Pope lives.
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's employee of the year.
SCSI - What you call you week old underwear.
Wheaton Christian Grammar School
WHAT IF DR. SEUSS DID TECHNICAL WRITING?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer. And be sure to tell your mom.
MORE COMPUTER TERMS
Blamestorming -- sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Cube Farm -- an office filled with cubicles.
Prairie Dogging -- something loud happens in a cube farm, and heads start popping up over the walls to see what's going on.
Idea Hamsters -- people who always seem to be birthing new ideas.
Mouse Potato -- the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
CLAM (Career Limiting Amateur Move) -- Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLAM.
Ohnosecond -- that miniscule fraction of time in which you realize you've just made a big stupid mistake.
SITCOM -- stands for Single Income, Two children, Oppressive mortgage.
Stress Puppy -- a person who always seems to be stressed-out and whiny.
Tourists -- those who take classes just to take a vacation from their job; "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists."
Dilberted -- to be exploited and oppressed by your boss.
World Wide Wait -- the real meaning of WWW.
Glazing -- sleeping with your eyes open
Dead Tree Edition -- The paper version of a publication.
Open-Collar Workers -- people who work at home or telecommute.
Cobweb site -- a dead web page that hasn't been updated for a long time.
Keyboard plaque -- the disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Alpha Geek -- The most knowledgable geek.
Adminisphere -- where all the dumb decisions come from that are profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Gray matter -- older, experienced business people hired by young entrepeneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
Chainsaw consultant -- an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
404 -- someone who is clueless, from the error message "404 -- URL Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located. "Don't bother asking him, he's 404."
BUMPER STICKERS
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever -so far, so good
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress -Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap -Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
Support bacteria -they're the only culture some people have
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I'VE LEARNED
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 6
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 25
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 45
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
MORE COMMENTS
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
We have enough youth--how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
ABBOTT, COSTELLO: COMPUTER POWER
Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard
drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to
train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that
you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to
turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to
start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and
Desist
button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start
to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we
started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
ABBOTT, COSTELLO: UNIX
ABBOTT & COSTELLO MEET UNIX
Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX:
Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a
program ?
Abbott: Yes, that's correct.
Costello: No, what is it ?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: So, which is the one ?
Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Costello: Stop this. Who are you ?
Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r you'. You can also 'finger yoo' to
get information about yoo'.
Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?
Abbott: Use 'what'.
Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true ?
Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.
Costello: Which one ?
Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I
find it?
Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what
program' to get the revision code.
Costello: I want to find the revision code.
Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what
program'.
Costello: Which command will do what I need?
Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.
Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your
system.
Costello: Write what?
Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Costello: Cut that out!
Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the
options.
Costello: Do you always do this ?
Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.
Costello: HELP!
Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System
(SCCS).
Costello: You make me angry.
Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname'
when I was upset once.
Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every
system has 'more'.
Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!
Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it
is better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but
'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you
to the Pascal compiler team.
DOGS
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about little puppies." -- Gene Hill
"In dog years I'm dead" -- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." -- Dave Barry
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl." -- Penny Ward Moser
"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage." -- Danish Proverb
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx.
"The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch." -- Michael Friedman
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?" -- Unknown
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers." -- Unknown
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul- chicken, pork, half cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey
"Cat's Motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion" -- Unknown
"Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in." -- Mark Twain
"I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives." -- Rita Rudner
ENGINEERS
One day an engineering student was walking past a creek when a frog jumped on a rock and said, "If you kiss me I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen and be the girl of your dreams." The student stopped, looked at the frog, then picked it up and put it in his pocket. After a few moments the frog repeated, "I said, if you kiss me, I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen and be the girl of your dreams." The engineer just looked at the frog and kept walking. In exasperation, the frog yelled, "Didn't you hear what I said? If you kiss me I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you've ever seen and become the girl that all passionate dreams are made of!" The engineer just looked at the frog and said, "Yeah, I heard you. Who needs a girlfriend? But a talking frog, that's cool!"
An engineering student was walking on campus one day when another engineering student rode up on a shiny new bicycle. "Where did you get such a nice bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied "Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want!'" The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
SILLY?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?
Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are!